Animals should be viewed only as a means of labor, food, or both. That's it. Forming bonds with members of the animal kingdom is a waste of time. I always thought that Jane Goodall was a fool (why'd she mingle with those baby apes, was she barren?). I'm not fond of my mule; I'm fond of the way my mule pulls my buggy. I didn't like my prized goose; I liked the way her liver tasted. Animals are only good for the services they provide, which is why I'm opposed to the new friendship forming at the Schrute Farm, between Mose and his pet pig.

Mose and his hog, Birgit, named after his favorite aunt/sister, have been inseparable. They go everywhere and do everything together: eat whopping pies together, sing Deutsche Volkslieder together, churn butter together, drink molasses together, slaughter other pigs together... So he was a little more than disappointed when I told him we had to kill the pig.

Since then, Mose has been trying to convince me to let him keep the pig. He's been getting all sorts of ideas from TV. He used spider webs to weave, "Sum Pig" over Birgit's stall. Then he tried to teach the pig to herd sheep (he's been watching a lot of ABC Family). But I have big plans for that pig; I was going to use him to make bacon, sausage, chitterlings, gammon, grinds, headcheese, and a set of matching boots & a hat.

Normally I would make Mose slaughter the pig himself, to teach him that animals are our subordinates. But I don't think Mose can do it. When Mose gets separated from something he loves, he spirals into a deep depression. When we took away his favorite cornhusk doll, he wouldn't come out to do his chores or even play a tune on his jug. I hate it when Mose gets that way, plus those chores aren't going to do themselves. So, although I'm still staunchly against it, I'm going to let Mose keep his pet pig... at least until she reaches 250kg.