I am now accepting applications for an apprentice to assist me in my duties as building manager.  It is unwise to be choosey in this economy, but guess what?  I don't care.  I need someone who can quietly endure days that are long, hard, and mostly freezing as I am practicing reluctance with the thermostat.  At the end of each week, you will be paid in unmarked bills wrapped in twine.  Working class heroes need not apply.  I'm looking for those with strong backs and weak spirits.

*Please note there a non-refundable $10 cash application fee*

Application

1. How many hours can you work weekly before exhaustion and mania set in?
2. Do you have a license to operate a rotovator, a plastic mulch layer, a bale mover, or a hog oiler? Please list any other relevant licenses.
3. Have you had any accidents in the past year that I can make fun of you for, largely for comedic relief throughout the workday? Please describe.
4. List any previous jobs held, terminations, military skills, competence at computer hacking, and marksmanship ability. Please describe in detail.
5. If your boss were killed, would you avenge his death?  How so?
6. Are you of one of those faiths where you can't work on Saturdays?
7. Do you have both kidneys? If not, where is the second one?
8. If you are a female, are you barren or would you waive your right to have a pregnancy leave? Explain.
9. Are you trained in Ninjutsu or Jujutsu? Explain.
10. How strong is your resistance to domestic electric shocks?
11. Can you climb on a ladder without a safety harness?
12. Would you consider yourself more of a fall kinda guy, or a scapegoat kinda guy? Why?
13. Please list the references you don't want me to contact, and why.
14. An application sometimes makes it hard to appropriately summarize yourself.  Please take the space below to fully describe your qualifications.  Remember, there are wrong answers.

To fill out an application, please click here to be taken to an online form.